If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
