I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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