he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
