You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
