Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
