Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
