My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Did I show you my penis last night?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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