I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
