I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
