I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
