I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
