Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
