My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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