it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
