She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
A bitchslap is in order.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
