Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
