I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
