after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
