She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
