Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
