my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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