a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
