I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
