Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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