I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize