I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
