I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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