oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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