He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
