I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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