Screwed.edu
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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