To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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