Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
