He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
