Please, let me fuck your mom
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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