don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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