Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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