having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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