never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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