I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
