I met the friendliest cop last night
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize