The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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