eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
