Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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