Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
