You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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