fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
