Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It was a blind-side dick pic.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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