So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
