the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He felt like a one man threesome
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You made out with two different species that night
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
