we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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