Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
