i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
