I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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