I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
