Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize