if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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