i jhust puked up my retainher.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
