I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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