is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize