i was rollin on her like bob the builder
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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