I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
