this beer tastes like vomit already
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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