I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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