My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize