my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
