dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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