Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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