mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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