This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
