I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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