fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
